The ASL sign for “want” starts with both hands in front, palms up, fingers spread out and finishes by squeezing your fingers into a claw shape while pulling your arms towards you.

I wish that wanting and obtaining were that simple, that I could reach out and grasp for and pull in those things, feelings, emotions, states, places, people, goals that I want.

Sometimes I don’t think that my brain works like other people’s brains. This is not a narcissistic thought, I just think that if the rest of the world thought like I think, that everything and everyone around me would be in utter chaos at all times. My thoughts are as widely scattered as they are greatly numbered. They are not sequential and rarely complete.

I wonder if I’m analytical to the point of crippling my ability to make decisions. It takes a long time for me to form opinions on complex topics unless I have already thought about them.

But in the melee of my mind, these are the things that I think I want for myself, emotionally and intellectually, as best as I can determine, at this time.

• I want to wake up in the morning and feel thrilled to conquer another day.
• I want to be an excellent listener. I want to fully understand the speaker without interjecting whatever preconceptions or opinions pop into my head.
• I want to be open to new experiences, to be open to whatever the future holds.
• I want to be able to complete a to-do list.
• I want to be productive without deadlines.
• I want to be organized. Obsessively alphabetical and organized. And condensed. This means files, music, photos completely digitized, organized, and backed up.
• I want to own less. This ties to organizing. I want to know where to find something I own.
• I want to waste less time.
• I want to feel deeply. Really deeply. I want to weep. And to laugh until I weep.
• I want to feel unlocked, unfrozen, uncaged.
• I want to love without reserve. I want to be loved without reserve.
• I want to hope without reserve or hesitation.
• I want to learn how to hold my tongue, and to speak more charitably.
• I want to be kind.
• I want to get up and do what I want to do when I want to do it.
• I want to travel. Really travel. Not just walk around with a camera. But to immerse myself in cultures and people that are not like me.
• I want to create. Music, art, words, designs, etc from scratch.
• I want to think quickly on my feet. I want to be able to formulate an accurate opinion in the middle of an argument.
• I want to remember conversations I’ve had and stories I’ve heard.
• I want to be spontaneous, to take risks, to do the unexpected.
• I want to be free, mostly free of the mental limitations I feel that I have created for myself.

I want.