Today is my 10 year anniversary of being self-harm free. I had tried and failed to stop so many times, implementing strategies and counting the days one-by-one, and finally, I am checking off day #3650. I tell you because I’m proud of myself, and because I want to help remove this veil of shame and secrecy around struggles with mental health. Experiencing trauma, anxiety, oppression, depression is not something to be ashamed of, yet so often I find myself in that place where I feel less-than because I’m struggling. Thoughts of self-harm – and other negative coping methods – never go away, just become less frequent. And now I know that when the thoughts begin to flare, it’s the canary in the coal mine of my mental health. Some days I don’t feel as strong in this fight, but today, I’m smiling. For years, I never thought I’d make it through; I never saw myself existing in the future. Yet here I am, incredulous, and excited to be proving myself wrong. Yesterday I officially finished the preclinical part of medical school; I’m trying to ignore the part of me that believes success is a fluke, and instead I’m trying to listen to the voice that says I’m fighting, persevering, and even making gains.
Self-harm is real. Suicide is real. They are not the same, and we need to talk about both. We need to bring them out of the shadows and stop pretending that people like us don’t think about things like that.
If you’re struggling, I beg you to keep fighting. I urge you to believe that your future is worth staying around for, even if you can’t see it right now. I implore you to reach out for help when you need it. I ask you to be kind to yourself when you make mistakes, when you have a bad day, bad week, bad month, bad year. Sometimes we have to hunker down into survival mode just to make it through, but my hope for all of us is that we can keep that ember of hope burning somewhere inside. Fight for yourself. Fight for each other. Never underestimate the capacity for the future to be better and brighter, happier and healthier, than the present.
Stay with me, friends. Dare to hope.
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