On the last day of June, pride month, I beg you to continue to flaunt your pride, visibly and unapologetically, for all of the months. I’m not talking to the straight folks, and I’m less speaking to cis gay white men who traditionally hold the whitewashed pride spotlight and other public positions of power. I’m more reaching out to the other queer/trans identities, those who are multiply marginalized, those with fewer/no visible heroes. I know it’s not safe to be out and proud in some communities, but to whatever extent it is safe for you to be visible, I hope that you can be. Because we need each other; we need to SEE each other. We need to be our own heroes, our own mentors, our own inspiration. We need to see that people like us, outside the traditional mold, can celebrate happiness, find love, and achieve success just as we are. And no majority power is going to uplift our voices to these places; we have to do that for ourselves. Shame and sadness thrive in darkness and solitude but wither in light and community. We are beautiful just as we are. We need to be our own heroes.

I’m a 33 year old queer white female, though not so much within the traditional range of “looking female.” I’m starting my third year of medical school. Perhaps it might appear that I’m doing pretty well in terms of having my act together and moving toward success, and maybe I am? But it still feels like an accident. I have trouble envisioning myself in the future in part because I don’t see a lot of people like me, coming before me, to inspire me and show me that it’s possible. I know in theory that others like me have already succeeded, but I have a difficult time finding those images. Only recently have I started to see people like me getting legally married, building families, excelling publicly, getting elected, in ways that cannot be discredited as any less legitimate. These images and stories are important to me; I need more.

I need you to be those heroes. I need to see you thriving; I need to see you in charge of things; I need to see your family photos; I need to see you on my screens. I need to see you creating art, business, beauty, happiness. I need to see you leading organizations, pushing for change, being strong in this world that was not built to uplift us, because I need to know that I’m part of something bigger than myself. I also need to hear about your suffering, your internalized homophobia, your shame, your sadness, your loneliness, because I need to know that my struggles are not unique to me and/or my own ability to manage my mental and emotional health. I need to know that what I struggle with is less a personal problem and more a problem of someone like me living within this system of heteronormativity, cis-normativity, and white privilege. Technically I know these things, but seeing is believing.

And I’m a white female, and I have Andrea Gibson, Hannah Gadsby, Rachel Maddow, Boys Dont Cry etc.. I already have been given the fortune of some visibility within this system. If I’m feeling a hero void, I can’t imagine what this feeling is like for someone more multiply marginalized than myself. Your visibility is even more valuable than mine. Those of us with any systemic power need to do whatever we can to uplift those with the least amount of systemic power.

Pride month is ending, but I need your pride on display year round. Let’s be each others’ heroes. Because I want us to move from surviving to striving.

#visibilitymatters #pride #pride2018

P.S. Allies are wonderful and essential, but your well wishes are not the same as increasing visibility of people like me. So it’s great if you want to cheer me on, but I would appreciate it more if – instead of lip service – you would uplift queer/trans identities and images in your life, in the lives of your kids, in your workplace, in your community, you know, as equally human, equally deserving of celebration. This does not happen accidentally but requires deliberate effort. Also, please refrain from relying on the queer/trans people in your life to do the emotional labor of educating you outside of intentional offerings like this one. We are tired, and often just trying to get through our days. Please work in earnest to do your own research rather than asking us to proffer our deeply personal stories of vulnerability on request.

P.P.S. Everybody, I appreciate in advance your kind words. But rather than commenting why you might be in support of me or this post, or how horrible you think homophobia is, instead I’d appreciate more your comments on (1) how you will uplift multiply marginalized queer and trans identities in your own circles, or (2) a story of a multiply marginalized person achieving and succeeding, or (3) *if you’re queer or trans* your thoughts, or a story of how visibility has been important in your own life.